1st ch of PL in Josh's POV
by written1yana12
Summary: find out what josh was thinking in the first chapter of Paradise Lost
1. Chapter 1

**Paradise Lost first chapter in Josh's POV**

**Disclaimer: though I own this POV, Kate Brian still owns this chapter**

**Please R&R right after you read it**

**They say time heals all wounds, but really the longer you go with a giant scratch down your heart, the harder it gets. The air gets thicker and it's harder to breath. Every muscle in your body feels tight and pained. Your always wondering when your going to fall apart, and worst of all; if you let your mind wander it will easily walk over to that door you tried so desperately to keep locked, and open it with ease releasing all the nightmares that haunt you. Then every time that happens your heart clenches in pain and all the sorrow rushes to your face.**

**I looked down at the pale hand I held, and my own hand splattered with dried blood. Instantly it all flashed before my eyes. Sabine, Arianna, drugs, Reed, Dash, tears, Ivy, gun, blood, sirens, screams, and more blood.**

**A shiver went through my entire body and for a second I thought I was going to have a seizure. I shut my eyes and tried to relax thinking it would all go away. Then I looked around the room, for the first time. The unnatural white walls stuck out at me. It was all too bright. The machines and the wires that were hooked all over were alarming.**

**And Ivy, paler then ever, lying on the bed. She seemed so small. Like she didn't belong in this scene. Like she was placed there by accident. And I knew this was my fault. **

**This is all what I was thinking when I heard the footsteps coming to the door. They stood there for a moment but then the door opened. Reed hesitantly walked into the room. As if she wasn't quite sure she should be there. Our eyes met and she looked like she was going to fall right over. She looked so scared.**

**Like a little child lost in the grocery store just looking for someone to help her. My heart broke, and I couldn't stand it so I looked away. Back at Ivy.**

**But it was like no matter who I looked at, it was still my own hell. My own personal torture. **

"**Is she going to be ok?" Reed whispered. Her voice was so weak and frightened. I knew what she was thinking. She wouldn't be able to take another death, and neither would I.**

"**They think so" I replied looking over at Ivy, "The bullet went through her upper shoulder and just missed her lung. If it had been an inch lower…" I couldn't bring myself to say it "she lost a lot of blood, though, which is why she's unconscious right now. But yeah, they expect her to make a full recovery"**

**I watched the relief wash over her and it made me feel better just hearing myself say it. It seemed more real. **

**I gently placed Ivy's hand back on the bed and then Reed and I walked out the door.**

**Reed turned around and the first thing I did was take her into my arms. It reminded me of the time Arianna tried to kill her and when I first saw her all I did was hold her and kiss her and make sure she was okay. Now I couldn't do that.**

"**I thought she was going to kill you" I said**

**I tightened my grip. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to keep her safe.**

"**I can't believe what you did. Lunging for the gun like that" she pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "When you hit the floor, I thought you were dead" **

**It made me happy to know she cared. But at this moment I was kind of wishing I was the one that got shot. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all this drama. **

**I placed my hands on either side of her face. **

"**I didn't even think. You were frozen, and there was a gun pointing at you, and I…I didn't even think. It was either throw you down or go for the gun, I guess I was closer to the gun, so…I just did it"**

"**You saved my life" I could hear the sobs in her voice.**

**I moved my hands to her shoulders and touched my forehead to hers, blowing out a sigh. She was so close. She was standing there. She was alive. Because of me. **

"**You're okay. You're okay. Thank god you're okay" **

**I was so happy she wasn't dead. If she had gotten hurt…I don't know what I would do. I need her. We were though so much and I need her not just so that I could get myself through this but to get her through this. We need each other. **

**But Ivy need's me. **

_**What am I doing**__?_

**I got my own girlfriend shot and yet I'm not in there with her. **

**I looked over at Ivy's room and so did Reed. I knew she would understand, she had to.**

**I dropped my hands and stepped away. She immediately went back to looking like a frightened lost little child. She was nothing. She was like a broken record.**

**She used to play beautifully, but one day she cracked. And she can't be fixed. She can be taped up but she will still have a large crack down her centre. And no matter what she will never sound the same. **

"**What happened to Sabine?" I asked on our way to the waiting room, though I wouldn't even care if they hung the psycho bitch. **

"**They arrested her. Pretty much everyone heard her confess so…"**

"**I can't believe this is happening"**

**I pressed the heals of my hands in my eyes. This was all too much. She was drugged. I had blamed Reed for nothing! I tried taking her out of my life. I hooked up with someone right after we broke up. And for what? To find out in the end that she was drugged! We lost it all just because someone wanted to get revenge for what happened to her sister. Even though her sister deserved it. Then, remembering how Reed forgave me for doing it with Cheyenne yet I didn't even listen to her after what happened with her and Dash made me feel even worse.**

**Reed and I could've been. We were so close. And we understood each other and yet we let ourselves slip away from each other. I ignored her; I couldn't even look at her. I acted like she didn't exist even while she needed me the most!**

"**So…now we just…" she trailed off and I knew what she was talking about.**

**We turned the corner and I leaned against the cinderblock wall. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers and squeezed my eyes shut. It hurt to think but I needed to make one last decision.**

"**I have to stay with Ivy, I have to know she's okay. She's going to need…someone"**

**I couldn't even believe what I was saying. I love Reed. She needs to know that I still love her, But Ivy…**

**I tried not to look at Reed. It was too painful. I was going to cry. I tried to protect her but all I'm doing is hurting her more.**

"**I guess I should go tell them what's going on" she said slowly.**

_**No, please don't go. Jus**_**t stay **_**with me, I need you.**_

"**Okay" my eyes were wet. I could feel them. And any minute they were going to flow**

"**Okay" she repeated, just barley getting it out.**

**She turned and started down the hall. Then paused and looked over her shoulder. "Keep me posted okay? On how she's doing."**

"**I promise" it was all I could do for her now.**

**Then she continued walking.**

**It was the hardest thing I've ever watched. Even worse then watching Ivy hit the ground after getting shot.**

**As she walked on I felt as though that was it. **

**There was no point.**

**It was all over.**

**So I let the tears start, and they didn't stop.**

"**Wait" I whispered in a voice so weak it had no chance of getting heard, but Reed was all ready gone. **

**And so was a part of me**

**I tried to make that dramatic and sad. I hope you all liked it! Let me know.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Contains some spoilers.

This isn't a chapter or anything, but please keep reading. I'm not going to be continuing this or anything, it's just what I imagined Josh was going through when he saw Reed after the shooting. I know a lot of Private Fanfic's have been added since I put this up, which means that my story is pretty far back and most people won't see it. Which is why I'm updating it. I've only gotten like eleven reviews and I think I could get sooo much more, which totally sucks, because all of the people who have read this story say it was so good, and that they actually got emotional while reading it. So if you've read this first chapter, and you are now reading this, please go review. It would seriously mean the world to me!

Also I'm thinking about writing that last chapter of Suspicion in Josh's point of view, when he see's/hears from Reed for the first time since that hospital scene. So let me know if you think I should give it a try. Please review, like now! Haha thanks for reading. And most importantly thanks if you review.


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